Is It OK to Use AI? How I Talk Through It

A simple but powerful formula for having conversations with our kids (and ourselves)

The Conversation is Coming. Are You Ready?

Recently, I was driving with my 14-year old daughter to soccer training. We started talking about AI and its use in school, at work, and in everyday life (yes I started the conversation, but she willingly engaged). I asked about how kids her age are currently using AI and her response was:

“Almost everyone is cheating with AI. Kids are addicted and use it on every possible assignment. They know its plagiarism, but they don’t care. They just try to not get caught.”

What’s your reaction to that statement?

For me, it’s that the conversation around the use of AI in schools (or in other intellectual activities) needs to change, and the voices of students have to be involved. With a hat tip to Elliott Hedman, the answer is not AI abstinence. We cannot treat AI in school like we do phones or social media with prohibition being the answer. If the dynamic is schools trying to tightly control AI use, kids will find ways around those controls every time. However, there’s a more productive way to have this conversation.

The Formula for Discussing When AI Use is OK

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to have this conversation in a productive way with my kids. It’s impossible to develop a set of rigid rules. AI is changing too fast, assignments are too varied, and there are nearly limitless ways that AI could be used for their work. We need a filter that is flexible, logical, and that allows us to work with, instead of against, our kids. Instead of rules, here’s my formula for discussions:

{Value Gained Using AI} - {Value Lost Outsourcing to AI} = Positive Tradeoff?

Remove all the complexities of what AI can or can’t do. This formula brings your kids or students into an open, transparent conversation about AI use and when it’s OK.

• Value Gained Using AI

  • What is AI allowing you to do that you couldn’t do on your own? Is it saving time? Is it getting you unstuck at the start of an assignment? Is it helping you explain the vision for your project in an image?

• Value Lost Outsourcing to AI

  • What are you losing by outsourcing the work or your thinking to AI? What element of growth or learning are you missing by avoiding the struggle? The discussion about what you are outsourcing is a powerful frame.

• Positive Tradeoff?

  • Given what you are gaining and what you are losing, is the tradeoff positive? Are you outsourcing the development of a core intellectual or emotional function that you’ll need the rest of your life or something less critical?

As parents and teachers, can we articulate the core value we hope our kids gain from the work to help decide when AI use is OK? There is always a tradeoff. This formula makes it explicit and gives space to discuss what is being sacrificed for the gain.

Three Examples of Using the Formula

In the conversation with my 14-year old, I tested the formula to see if it made sense to her. I talked through two examples and then had her explore her own scenario:

• Creating an original rap song

• Interpreting the meaning of text messages and social media posts

• Preparing for a school debate

Example 1: Rap Song Introduction to a New Group

This summer, I joined a new networking group run by Steven Kotler called The Alliance. Our first assignment was to introduce ourselves to the group in a creative way that was not based on our LinkedIn bio. I used AI to create a rap song Running with the Wolves as a unique way to share my journey and skills with the group.

How did I do it? I used the answers to ~50 intake questions such as “what do you create and why does it matter” as the core content, but I used ChatGPT to turn that content into lyrics. I then identified two song types that I liked and asked AI to turn those song types into prompts that could instruct an AI music generator on the vibe I wanted for the song. After editing the lyrics and adjusting the song prompt, I used Suno to create multiple versions and did some editing to generate the final product.

• Value Gained Using AI:

  • I was able to introduce myself to the group in a fun way using a different medium that took me outside my comfort zone and capabilities, but was still based on a creative concept I designed with my input at every step.

• Value Lost Outsourcing to AI:

  • I outsourced the learning of turning ideas into lyrics and using tools to compose a rap song. I also outsourced the vocals.

• Tradeoff Positive?:

  • Given that it is highly unlikely that writing songs and performing raps is going to be a critical skillset for my future career and that I still felt deeply involved in the creative process at every step, the tradeoff was highly positive.

Example 2: Interpreting Meaning of Messages from Friends

A teenager runs text messages and social media posts from friends through AI to interpret their meanings. How would you answer if this is an OK use of AI? There is a lot of talk about the potential value of AI as therapists. However, therapists tend to have not just training but also can extract additional context through conversations and guide teens towards discovering the answers themselves vs. giving the answers. In this case, the teen is casually looking to AI for answers in times of uncertainty.

• Value Gained Using AI:

  • A “safe”, infinitely patient ear to discuss emotionally sensitive issues. The teenager may feel like AI is good at interpreting the meaning of messages and a safer, less judgmental option than a parent or less risky option than peers who might start rumors or gossip at school.

• Value Lost Outsourcing to AI:

  • The teenager is outsourcing core elements of emotional intelligence development, including interpreting ambiguous situations and integrating spoken and unspoken communication and previous interactions beyond the text messages or posts themselves. While AI can answer the teen’s question about the potential meaning, it has a limited view of the broader relationship.

• Tradeoff Positive?:

  • I have real concerns here that the teenager is outsourcing the uncomfortable, sometimes painful, struggle required to interpret relationships with friends. Outsourcing this to AI could limit longer term emotional development.

Example 3: Preparing for a School Debate

After providing the two examples above, I asked my child to apply the framework to a recent school assignment debating whether homework is beneficial for students.

What’s an OK use of AI for that assignment and what should she do without AI? We broke down the assignment into different elements and talked through the tradeoff for each. AI could be used for research, writing statements, evaluating strength of arguments, etc.

We decided that the core skills being developed with the assignment were the ability to formulate, communicate, and defend a position. We agreed that those skills are important in life and shouldn’t be compromised by the use of AI in the assignment. To create a positive tradeoff, we talked through what could / shouldn’t be outsourced:

• Best Opportunities for Gaining Value from AI:

  • Accelerating initial research to understand both sides of the argument

  • Identifying high quality sources of information (so long as she went to the original source to validate information)

  • Providing feedback on her arguments to help strengthen them

  • Serving as a proxy for her opponents to anticipate the points they might make

• What We Were Not Willing to Outsource:

  • Writing the initial position and counters to her opponent’s arguments. Crafting the argument in her own words was an essential part of skill building and feeling like she could confidently own the position in front of the class.

  • Reading the details of the arguments and data on both sides of the argument from the research. To generate the mastery required to respond in a live classroom debate, she had to understand and struggle with the details.

• Positive Tradeoff?

  • Using this approach, we were able to have a nuanced discussion about how AI could be used to positively advance the development objective. Ultimately, AI became a debate prep teammate without outsourcing the process of developing, mastering, and defending a controversial position.

Try This Formula or Develop Your Own

Summer is a great time to have these conversations with your kids. There is no time pressure of assignments, and you have the opportunity to position yourself as their partner (not adversary) in learning how to use AI positively. Try the framing I used here or adapt it to your own words. The most important thing is to prepare for and start having these conversations with your kids while they have the space to engage. As an added benefit, the same formula works for deciding when/how to use AI yourself or to guide your colleagues or company in AI use. Just weigh this tradeoff:

In both the short and long term, does the value gained from using AI in this way outweigh what is being lost by outsourcing our work or our thinking to AI? That’s the core question.

Know a parent wrestling with AI in schoolwork, forward this post to them.